“Girly.”
One of my Dad’s favourite nicknames for me. Not very original, admittedly. But I like it. Oft used in expressions of excitement, goofiness, joy.
But this time, gentleness. Dad’s tender, deep voice.
“Girly.”
With glistening eyes and furrowed brow, eighteen-year-old me related my confusion and turmoil to my Dad. Confusing conviction and guilt is scary business. Trying to articulate the thoughts, feelings and fears that come with the question of “how?…what now?”
“Girly. Do you know that God already knows everything going on inside your head?”
Well of course I know that, Dad.
“But sweetheart. You don’t have to explain anything to Him. He already knows.”
And yet for some reason I still feel the need to try to explain to death all the things that I am thinking and feeling. But He does know. He knows all of it.
“Amy, I want you to try something,” Dad says. “When you go down to your room for bed, just imagine that Jesus is sitting there waiting for you. Imagine He’s physically right there. And then just sit with Him and know that He knows.”
It sounds simple, doesn’t it?
I walk downstairs. Tears sting my eyes and I blink them away. My lamp is on in my room (because I often leave my lamp on in the evenings). My heart is beating wildly. I creep quietly, slowly along the wall toward my bedroom door. I refuse to look into my bedroom, because I believe that Jesus could actually be physically sitting in my room, waiting for me to come and talk to Him.
And truthfully, He’s there. He may not be visible, but He is there.
The moments before I round the corner into my bedroom are intense. Seconds feel like whole minutes. I am shaking — shaking from the tears, from my heavily beating heart, and from the thoughts that are running in circles in my head.
And I look into my room.
And there is nobody there. Not that I can see, at least.
But I know that He is there.
So I go, with slowing pulse, and just sit on my bed and imagine that He is sitting beside me. And I sigh with relief and acceptance.
Accepting the fact that He is there. And He is not leaving any time soon.
* * * * *
Sometimes I come to the end, or nearly the end, of a chapter in my life and I ask,
“What now?”
Sometimes…sometimes I am overwhelmed with where I have been, the things I have done wrong and failed to do right, the person I am not that I ought to be, all that I have yet to do with not enough time to do it….what now?
And sometimes the answer is to be still and know that HE knows.
And in that, to simply receive the peace that comes with knowing that He knows.
Be still and know that I am God…
And let the peace of Christ rule in your heart.
~ Psalm 46:10 & Colossians 3:15 ~
songs of stippled stardust 